Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
