He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
