it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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