we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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