my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
