I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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