"it" just moved
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
