I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
