honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
