So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
