we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
