i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
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For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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