wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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