I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
