just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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