I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
