how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
