The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need to calm my uterus...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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