I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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