Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
