i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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