R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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