My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
