When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
