I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
