I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
