dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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