girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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