i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We left an ass print on the piano.
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Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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