Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
