It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
