I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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