just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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