I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
