A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
