I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.