did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house