think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dating After Heartbreak
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine