I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?