I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
