woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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