so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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