i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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