Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
