just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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