At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
