bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
