I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
