God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
