I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
