Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
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His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
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I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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