After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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