my mouth tastes like poor choices
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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