just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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