I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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