How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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