It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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