you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
