I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
