Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
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You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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