Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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