i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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