My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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